Excerpts From The Book: Things Which Suck and Things Which Do Not Suck: Guidos

Often times I make comments about stuff like hey thats cool or thats awesome, but mostly I have to vocalize things which suck. Sometimes people say oh yeah how do you know what sucks or what doesn't and I respond with its a natural ability I have. But from now on I will say that I was told about all this in a vision like in a burning bush or something. That should give me tons of credibility. I will try to put it all in a book titled, "Things That Suck and Things Which Do Not Suck." Now it is written.

Things That Suck

Chapter ?

Guidos & Guidettes

Background: A unique American phenomenon consisting mostly of second generation Italian-Americans living in the NYC tri-state area. You can find them all over NJ and selected parts of NYC, particularly Staten Island, Bensonhurst and Bayridge, Brooklyn, and in Queens you can find them in Howard Beach, and Far Rockaway. Long Island also hosts a lot of guido residents, they often refer to it as "strong island." The concentration of guidos and guidettes are inversely proportional to the distance to midtown Manhattan.

You can often find them at the mall and long stretches of road in the suburban areas where they can drag race the BMW's their daddy's bought them or the tricked out muscle cars, or imports (Honda, Acura, VW) they bought themselves, of course while drinking and being generally loud with their Guido loving women in short skirts and heavy make up. Both sexes can be seen sporting overdone synthetic tans wearing tight shirts that show either cleavage or chest hair with tawdry jewelry often saying things like their name or Princess, sometimes just a cross (Jesus weeps).

They can be found online making their myspace pages completely unreadable for lack of good content and excessive use of images about so called italian pride. The picture pages will often show them taking mirror pics of themselves that show mostly the flash, or pictures of chilling at the club at some bridges and tunnel party. They will waste their parent's money on the weekends or their hard earned money on the weekends (flipping pizza is hard). They do party hard however and club owners like the fact that these under educated kids are so easy to manipulate out of their money. Those that actually attend college do so at places like Nassau Community College, St. Johns, or Hofstra, often majoring in business administration or psychology.

Some contributions to society include... keeping KTU on the airwaves, the demise of the muscle car, countless drinking and driving accidents, wife beaters, std rate increases, skyrocketing sales of hair gel and creatine, low math scores, and of course more guidos.

Clubbin Guidos


Young Guidos At A Prom

Old Guido

Pros: N/A

Cons: too many to list

Conclusion: Guidos suck. Guidos and guidettes will probably soon be extinct and only live on in period piece movies about the 70's - 2020's. Guidos... Guidon't!