The 70 Year Old Virgin

I know many of my readers are sexually frustrated. You might be in a drought but at least you've gotten some in the last 10-20 years. My boy Jet, is 10 years old (70 in dog years) and is a virgin. He has never known the soft touch of a female paw. Because of this he has a bad habit of pissing where he shouldn't even though I take his ass out. The vet says this is because he is not neutered, or not getting any. I find it kinda cruel and harsh to chop his nuts off like that, so I have been putting up with his accidents however intentional they are.

My only options at this point are to raise some money to neuter him or to get him laid. If you thing getting yourself laid is hard enough try getting someone else laid! Now try getting someone else laid who has no job and can't talk. Well its not that hard since he is damn cute and most bitches won't care that he is unemployed or won't pull out. In fact he might be getting lucky soon with a co-workers girlfriends dog. I haven't broke the news to Jet yet because I don't want to get his hopes up. Lets hope he gets some soon and becomes a deadbeat dad.

Once you go black you never go back!

Predictions: NBA FInals Spurs vs. Pistons

Besides being an author of an awesome blog and having the natural ability to determine what sucks and what doesn't I also have great insights into the future. This will be an ongoing segment where I can post my predictions for the near future as the not too distant future, and sometimes far into the future.

Here is a near future prediction.

The Detroit Pistons will beat the Cavaliers. The Spurs will beat the Jazz. I know this may be stating the obvious but the surprise is that the Spurs will win. For those of you unfamiliar with sarcasm the Spurs are the favorite. They are a good team with great chemistry with the best perimeter defender in the game (besides maybe loose canon Artest). Tim Duncan as always is playing great except for his free throw shooting and Manu is fearless taking it to the hole. Tony Parker is being fueled by Longoria juice so you know he is gonna play good even though Billups is stronger Tony can still score in the paint. They are well matched up but the Spurs definitely get away with more calls. With Manu's flopping and the refs letting Bowen get away with physical defense the Spurs have an edge.

Look for the Spurs to try to get under Rasheed Wallace's skin and get him in foul trouble or even ejected. The Spurs are masters of psychological warfare specially team captain Tim Duncan. The Pistons are no punks and have much experience and may not fall for such Jedi mind tricks. The Pistons X-Factor would be Antonio McDyess who has been playing great all year. However I think the Spurs are a deeper team and even have one of the best dunkers in the game as their 12th man. Make no mistake the Spurs are a smart team with good chemistry that are not afraid to play dirty to win it all, and somehow they remain classy as they do it. Personally I'm sick and tired of them winning all the time. Let's go Pistons! I'm betting on Spurs though.

Excerpts From The Book: Things Which Suck and Things Which Do Not Suck: Guidos

Often times I make comments about stuff like hey thats cool or thats awesome, but mostly I have to vocalize things which suck. Sometimes people say oh yeah how do you know what sucks or what doesn't and I respond with its a natural ability I have. But from now on I will say that I was told about all this in a vision like in a burning bush or something. That should give me tons of credibility. I will try to put it all in a book titled, "Things That Suck and Things Which Do Not Suck." Now it is written.

Things That Suck

Chapter ?

Guidos & Guidettes

Background: A unique American phenomenon consisting mostly of second generation Italian-Americans living in the NYC tri-state area. You can find them all over NJ and selected parts of NYC, particularly Staten Island, Bensonhurst and Bayridge, Brooklyn, and in Queens you can find them in Howard Beach, and Far Rockaway. Long Island also hosts a lot of guido residents, they often refer to it as "strong island." The concentration of guidos and guidettes are inversely proportional to the distance to midtown Manhattan.

You can often find them at the mall and long stretches of road in the suburban areas where they can drag race the BMW's their daddy's bought them or the tricked out muscle cars, or imports (Honda, Acura, VW) they bought themselves, of course while drinking and being generally loud with their Guido loving women in short skirts and heavy make up. Both sexes can be seen sporting overdone synthetic tans wearing tight shirts that show either cleavage or chest hair with tawdry jewelry often saying things like their name or Princess, sometimes just a cross (Jesus weeps).

They can be found online making their myspace pages completely unreadable for lack of good content and excessive use of images about so called italian pride. The picture pages will often show them taking mirror pics of themselves that show mostly the flash, or pictures of chilling at the club at some bridges and tunnel party. They will waste their parent's money on the weekends or their hard earned money on the weekends (flipping pizza is hard). They do party hard however and club owners like the fact that these under educated kids are so easy to manipulate out of their money. Those that actually attend college do so at places like Nassau Community College, St. Johns, or Hofstra, often majoring in business administration or psychology.

Some contributions to society include... keeping KTU on the airwaves, the demise of the muscle car, countless drinking and driving accidents, wife beaters, std rate increases, skyrocketing sales of hair gel and creatine, low math scores, and of course more guidos.

Clubbin Guidos


Young Guidos At A Prom

Old Guido

Pros: N/A

Cons: too many to list

Conclusion: Guidos suck. Guidos and guidettes will probably soon be extinct and only live on in period piece movies about the 70's - 2020's. Guidos... Guidon't!

Fun With Google Images

I've been having some trouble coming up with stuff to write about so I'm giving myself some structure. This will be an ongoing segment called "Fun With Google Images" (if in your mind you just said that the W should be w you are an uptight asshole). The premise is simple do a search on Google Images for a particular KW at random and browse through something that catches your eye and whatever write down whatever funny comment I can think of within 20 seconds. Those are the rules. 2 captions per picture. You can add your own!



Caption 1: "Baaaaah!" translation, "was it good for you?"

Caption 2: Moments after this baby goat forever redefines the word GOAT to this exhausted post coitus sleepy young lad. He will forever know him as Greatest Of All Time.


Caption 1: Turkish revenge

Caption 2:


Caption 1: Finally I know what I want for Christmas!

Caption 2:

Caption 1: Oh yea, she wants me.

Caption 2:


Caption 1: Oh dear!
Caption 2: "Bambi: the deleted scenes" - Jon Holato

Yea i'm kinda struggling so far. Add your captions people!

Live Action He-Man Movie In The Works

This will be the first movie in my ongoing list of "Films that shouldn't have been made." and also part of the related list "Movies that will most likely SUCK."

So I heard that Warner Bros. and producer Joel Silver are working with Mattel to turn "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe" into a live-action film. Sounds like a bad idea to me since the cartoon was never really good but action figures were pretty cool if not a bit, how should I put this delicately, gay? But then again so was the cartoon itself. I think the image below speaks for itself. I wonder if the producers are aware that there was already a live action He-Man movie that sucked big time starring the guy that played that Russian boxer in Rocky 4.

There is a casting call for green tigers to play He-Man's faithful companion Battle Cat.

He-Man with dude I'm not gay scowl